I was at a party at The House of Blues in honor of the Olsen Twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley. Forbes Magazine had just rated the twins’ combined assets as the 20th largest economy in the world. The sisters had rented out the House of Blues to celebrate.
Whoopi had arranged for me to go as her guest. She put my name on the guest list. When I arrived, I drifted around looking for her. I couldn’t find her. Eventually I gave up and found my way to the bar.
I stepped up the bar. I tried to flag down the bartender, but accidentally bumped into Candace Bergen. I grinned at her. “Hi, baby. How are you?”
Candace looked away. “Uhh, fine.”
I smiled again. “You look great.”
The bartender came over. I nodded at him. “A vodka seven for me, and the lady will have a…”
“A Calistoga, please.”
I looked at her. “Nothing to drink, baby?”
She turned to the bartender. “Just a Calistoga, thanks.”
The bartender disappeared. I turned back to Candace. “Last time I saw you was so awesome, baby.”
“Really? I left you in handcuffs. I just split.”
I nodded. “Don’t I know it. I’ve never been so turned on in my life. Nothing compares to that. Even when Barbra was tying me to her bed one time, and she had these leather spikes on, I wasn’t—“
“Please—” Candace put up her hand to stop me. “I don’t want to hear about it.”
The bartender came back with our drinks. “One vodka seven…and…one Calistoga.” He set the drinks in front of us.
I handed him a $20 bill. The bartender shook his head. “There’s no charge, sir. It’s a free bar.”
Candace explained, “The Olsen’s are paying for it.”
“Oh, cool.” I turned to the bartender and handed him the $20. “Well, take this for yourself then.”
He waved the $20 away nervously. He glanced up and down the bar. “I’m sorry, sir. No gratuities are allowed. The Olsen’s have already seen to it that we’re taken care of.”
The bartender hurried away. I turned to Candace. “I’ll have to go find the sisters and thank them.”
She took a sip of her Calistoga. “I doubt you’ll find them.”
“You wouldn’t get near them. Even Regis couldn’t get back there.”
“What do you mean?”
“Look.” Candace pointed to a private room off to the side of the lounge. Several large men in tuxedos stood in front of the door. I recognized one of them from my gym. “That’s where the twins are hanging out. They’ve only allowed Ashton Kutcher and Keanu Reeves back there so far. Just watch.”
I took a sip of my drink. I could see David Schwimmer step up to the door. He said something to the guy from my gym. The guy looked at him for a moment, then shook his head. Schwimmer said something else. Another man stepped in front of him and shook his head emphatically. Schwimmer’s face sunk. He turned and began to walk slowly away.
I turned to Candace. “Wow. That’s harsh.”
Just at that moment, Jennifer Aniston walked up to the men. They nodded at her and opened the door. Jennifer stepped quickly inside. For a split second, I thought I caught sight of one of the twins sharing a glass of champagne with Bill Gates. But then the door closed.
The bartender noticed us looking at the room and stepped in front of us. “Can I get either of you another drink?”
Candace gestured with her Calistoga. “No, thanks. We still have these.”
I took another sip of my drink. “But baby, I’m almost ready for another.”
She shook her head. “Go easy for once. You always drink too much.”
I nodded. “Fine…”
I took another sip of my drink and turned back to watching the Olsen’s private room. One of the men was turning Courteney Cox away. Courteney walked off glumly. I gestured at the room. “I wonder what their parents think of all this…”
Candace was sipping her Calistoga. “What’s that?”
I gestured toward the Olsen’s room again. Sandra Bullock was being ushered quickly into the room. “The twins. What do their parents think about this kind of thing?”
Candace looked at me for a moment. She paused. “You mean you don’t know?…”
I looked at her. The bartender seemed to be listening too. I leaned in close. “Know what?”
Candace lowered her voice. “Well…no one really knows where their parents are.”
“Yes…” She leaned close. “Their parents disappeared right after the girls turned twelve. No one’s seen them since.”
I shook my head. “Naw, that can’t be. I mean, who takes care of them?”
Candace glanced nervously at the bartender, who was hovering above us, drying a beer mug. She looked at me. “Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this now.”
“No, it’s okay. I don’t mind.”
She looked at the bartender for a moment. “No, I mean it. Not now.”
She finished her Calistoga, set it on the bar, and walked off.
I watched her walk away then ordered another drink.